Out with the old, in with the new...Time to begin!

Ok - so I'm not that great with this whole blogging thing...but I want to get better, so...I have decided the best way for me to tackle this is to write a little bit each day, focusing on one subject. I guess the reason I have a hard time with this is because there is just SO MUCH information out there! So much for me to learn - it's like information overload! And because of my personality I tend to jump from point A to point Z without stopping to think about the "middle" steps I skipped over...by that point I'm completely overwhelmed, I get frustrated because I can't know everything just over night (yes, I put way too much pressure on myself - I always have) so then I just end up quitting. I sometimes think "wow, it's amazing what that person/organization is doing" or "why can I not know everything overnight?" (like that is a healthy/realistic idea...um no) and I then start to down myself because I'm 27 years old and I feel like I've accomplished nothing important or had an impact in such a big way as some of the people/organizations I admire...then I feel hopeless, which leads to quitting, so on and so on. It never hits me that "duh, these people do this for a living" or it took hard work, countless hours of studying/learning, time and patience (patience is not a virture of mine) for them to get where they are and be able to give back.

Now don't get me wrong...I know part of the reason is because I'm lazy...how can I explain? Being someone who has struggled with depression (not just the "seasonal" or occasional blues - I'm talking total deep depression which if you have never experienced it or been around someone who suffers from it, you never quite grasp the enormity of it) I allowed this "illness" consume me. It became my crutch...my safety zone...as weird as that may sound, it's a lot like "battered wife syndrome"...you keep going back because that's all you know (regardless if it is healthy or not) and you know how to cope, etc. I don't like change and I'm terrified of the unknown...these things definitely did not help me want to "change" out of the toxic environment I was creating for myself. Also, depression can create symptoms of chronic fatigue, muscle pain, loss of apetite, and basically complete loss of any aspiration. I'm also a very anxious person - I can over-think things, or make them more difficult that they need to be...and last but not least, I had zero self worth/self esteem. That fed into the depression and anxiety and played a part in why I am hard on myself or expect way to much of myself (in an unhealthy way) and became a people pleaser. These things create a vicous and ugly cycle that I did not fully understand or really knew how toxic these behaviors are until my divorce. It took me hitting rock bottom (literally losing my mind - got to love depression) and going through a traumatic event for me to open my eyes and take a moral inventory of myself.

So long story short, I acknowledge my excuse of laziness and lack of motivation and am working on them - part of my "re-inventing" myself and looking to God for the answers.

With all that being said, I think the best way for me to focus, soak in information and learn, and not feel overwhelmed to the point I think I might spontaneously combust, is to write a little bit each day: writing down my thoughts, opinions, random tid bits or interesting facts I came across, etc.

I also need a way for me to get things off my chest...it's hard being in cattle country...there is no one around who shares my interests or view points so I feel like I have no one to talk to...where I am from, there are generations of people who still live here in this small town...everybody knows everybody and knows everything that's going on...and good ole' country/southern folk are stuck in their ways (I'm not saying that's a horrible thing), beef and hunting are the norm, and unfortunately (disclaimer: this is my opinion and my intent is not to put anyone down, but a mere observation) if you have lived here all your life and have never gone out to the rest of the world, you end up a little closed minded and ignorant to other social movements etc. Had I not moved away when I did, I would probably have ended up that way...go to highschool, then go to the community college, get married and have babies. Needless to say, any of this "tree-hugger" crap is pretty much laughed at, disputed with "meat is good" or "you have to eat meat because it's good for you", or not even up for discussion. It would be nice to be able to discuss and share thoughts regardless if you're a "veggie" or "meat-eater" because that's how you learn...appreciate your beliefs even more or raises good questions that make you dig more into it, etc. I'm not here to force any personal/moral beliefs or preferences...to each their own. But at the same time, I want to live my "truth" and lead a more compassionate lifestyle...but I find it difficult to "flourish" if you are the only one in the whole town who thinks the way you do.

Now that I have rambled on in different tangents, I hope the string of thoughts make some sort of sense in my new "blogging" approach (which applies to more than that in my life-take one step at a time)....but since it's way past my bedtime (yes, I'm an old lady :) LOL I have to have at least 8 hours of beauty sleep to be able to function for work) tomorrow I will start with my 1st topic - overview of industrialized farming.

Until next time...